A Memoir

Just a few days ago I was convinced that I would die without having left anything to be remembered by. I decided that'd writing a memoir of my life and leaving it behind would provide sufficient evidence that I had existed. 
I was determined to write this whole memoir in a friggin two hour time space 

It was going pretty well until I realized all that I had done was shit talk Weeble Wobbles

Enjoy My Memoir 


If you are growing up in America or have had any type of childhood that included television, you’ve heard of Weeble-Wobbles. 
If not, enjoy my description. 

Imagine a plastic potato with a moronic face painted on. Childish clothing is painted onto the potato’s body. The child-potato hybrid rocks back and forth when pushed and because of whatever magnetic witch-craft went into its creation, you cannot knock the damn thing over. You can push it, kick it, flick it or even hold it down to a surface, but it springs back up like  it’s had an over dose of Viagra. 

These potato children are known as Weeble Wobbles and were advertised as children’s toys, on television commercials accompanied by a presumably under paid man and women singing a catchy tune about what a wonderful world the "Wobbly Weebles" live in and ending with " Lovable Weeble's are wobbling around, Weeble's wobble but they don’t fall down.” 
The fact that Romper Room, the creator of the Wobbly Weebles rhymed "down," with "down," makes me angry enough to set one of these wobbly fuckers on fire. 
It also reminds me of  Fisher Price's Little People Theme Song  and if my memory serves me correctly, Fisher Price came first. 
For those of you who haven't seen Little People, you really haven't lived. 

The Weeble Wobble song does however mention "There's just nothing like them anywhere around, Weeble's Wobble but they don't fall down." 


And this was the most honest jingle I’ve ever heard. 
No matter what way you attempt to “down,” a Weeble-Wobble, the little fucker pops back up and looks at you with its stupid, permanent smile and continues to wobble until momentum ceases. 
Nothing short of duct tape or a blow torch will knock it over and kept it there. 
Just incase you can't being taunted by a painted potato, it's pretty friggin humiliating. 

If a Weeble Wobble was a person, it would be that girl you went to high school with. The one who would skip class, cheat on tests and never show up on time and still managed to get an A on the end of the year exam.

It would be that guy you work with who is always late, never wears anything close to what is mentioned in your handbook and always seems to be on your boss's good side.
Until he gets fired for drinking on the job. 

Weeble Wobbles live to piss people off and are damn good at it

It is also completely possible that I just have a really low tolerance for plastic toys and stupid songs


I had a Weeble-Wobble and I took a lighter to it. It melted to the bathroom floor and I didn't even think twice about sweeping, and sort of peeling, it off the linoleum and throwing it into the trash.